When My Cup Was Empty

Rev. Emily Freeman Penfield’s Story of Faith

This is my story of Christian spiritual renewal and how God met me when I felt empty, exhausted, and uncertain about the way forward.

A Song in a Weary Season

Looking back, I can see that God was present even when I felt empty and unsure of the way forward. “Surely It Is God Who Saves Me” is a reminder that we can trust God, receive His strength, and continue forward without fear.

One morning in early 2021, I was driving to church in a morning stupor. I needed another cup of coffee, and a full day of putting out fires and rearranging plans awaited me.

The year 2020 had been brutal. My mother-in-law and one of my staff members had died from COVID-19, and dozens of people I knew had been sick.

Like most churches, my church had to pivot quickly and find new ways to worship and carry out ministry. I was also running a nonprofit food distribution ministry. Our model had been built around community relationships and personal engagement, but we now had to distribute food without direct contact.

I felt spent. Most days, I felt dull.

This was not depression. I have clinical depression, and I knew this was something different. I felt empty, as though I had nothing left to give.

As I came within a few blocks of the church, I suddenly realized that I had been singing, “Fill My Cup, Lord.”

I had not knowingly started singing the song. At least, my mind had not made a conscious decision to sing it. I think my spirit bypassed my brain and began singing and praying to God.

Or perhaps it was God singing my own prayer back to me.

Whichever it was, it became a moment of sanctifying grace.

An Opportunity to Step Away

At that point in my life, I did not know which direction I was going. It felt as though I was moving in every direction at once, but none of those directions seemed fruitful.

I was even wondering whether I should remain in ordained ministry.

Later that day, as I continued consciously singing and praying, “Fill My Cup, Lord,” the Holy Spirit presented me with an opportunity that eventually led to a sabbatical.

That sabbatical gave me time to pray, think, rest, and explore different expressions of God’s love.

God was beginning to refill my cup.

Listening to God in a New Way

Later in 2021, I turned 50. I decided that it was time to begin listening to God in a new way.

I started asking myself some important questions.

What did I need to release? What actions, attitudes, habits, and unnecessary demands were consuming my time and energy?

I realized that I was spending too much time on social media, so I removed Facebook from my phone. I also began changing habits of complaining and distancing myself from negative influences.

Then I asked another question: What had I been sitting on?

I had heard whispers and felt nudges from God, but I had continued waiting. Now, I sensed that it was time to respond.

Following the Holy Spirit’s Nudges

I had always said that when both of my daughters finished high school, I wanted to do two things.

I wanted to attend the Academy for Spiritual Formation, a two-year spiritual journey for Christians sponsored by The Upper Room. I also wanted to become involved in prison ministry.

I began pursuing both opportunities, and in God’s timing, they became possible within the year.

I started reading more, especially books focused on spiritual formation. That reading also deepened my study of the Bible.

I became part of a covenant group that provided what I like to call spiritual fertilizer. The group helped with pruning, encouraged spiritual growth, and gave us a place to examine the fruit our lives were producing.

The women I came to know at the correctional facility both broke my heart and gave me hope. They challenged me to become a light for justice in our community.

Through these experiences, God restored me to myself and brought new growth into my relationship with Him.

Staying Connected to the Vine

Five years later, I am much more aware of the times when my well begins to run dry.

I try to be intentional about remaining connected to God, like a branch that stays attached to the Holy Vine. Jesus reminds us:

“I am the vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing.”

John 15:5, NASB 1995

I have learned to pay attention when my spirit feels depleted. I have learned that sometimes we must release what is draining us, respond to the Holy Spirit’s nudges, and make room for God to renew us.

God met me during a weary drive to church through a song I did not consciously choose to sing. That simple prayer became the beginning of renewal, redirection, and deeper spiritual growth.

If you are experiencing a dry, weary, or desperate season in your life, you do not have to walk through it alone.

I am here if you ever want to talk.